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Monday, June 05, 2006

Mezmer's Modest Proposals for the 21st Century

First, kill all the lawyers. Nuff said

Second, lobotomize all the psychologists. Easy enough to do, just take away all of their certificates. You see, psychologists, like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, don’t have a brain until they get a diploma. So take them away, and soon they will fade away in the distance, like that annoying mother in law you never had. Of course, if this proves impractical, then issue Ph.D.’s in psychology to everyone who passes a driver’s ed course or graduates from high school. This should represent just enough ‘life experience’ to equip everyone to administer to others in need. Besides, if John Gray (Men are from Mars, etc.) can buy his Ph.D. from a diploma mill and if Dr. Laura Schlesinger can preach platitudes with a doctorate in physiology, then you and I can certainly also dispense sage advice.

Third, neuter all the politicians. The Chinese did it to all those who served on the Emperor’s retinue, and the Chinese government lasted millenia. A side benefit of this is that politicians will have less aggressive impulses, won’t leave their DNA everywhere, and will have great singing voices.

Then hire Aunt Madge or Uncle Charlie. There is always some person you know who has more wits and wisdom about him or her than anybody you will ever know. This is your proverbial great aunt or uncle who knew the right cold remedies, the right fishing holes, and the right way to tie your shoe. We need wise old relatives in the right places, and its easy to find them. They are the one’s who make great apple pies, coach little league, and with impressive omniscience always remember your birthday and are quick with the I told you so. So hire them, put them in control of everything. Then sit back, and soon we will see the thousands of Pottervilles in America slowly morph back to the Bedford Falls of our imagination. Indeed, it would be a wonderful life!

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