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Wednesday, May 07, 2008

New Dictionary Words!

Mind Hack-
(20th century version) physical methods used to bypass cerebral cortex to achieve contentment and bliss (see hacksaw); (21st century version) virtual methods used to bypass cerebral cortex to achieve contentment and bliss (see Grand Theft Auto IV); (talkshow version) any psychologist endorsed by Oprah.

Little Albert
- Famous experiment conducted in 1920 by the psychologist John B. Watson, in which he demonstrated that hitting a gong behind an innocent child will scare the bejesus out of him, and thus condition him to be be afraid of a little white rat, including of course James Watson (also a rat). Thus through this Pavlovian association, we know that fast cars bring sex, three push-ups a week mean toned bodies, and that hugging babies means a politician is your best friend.

The 'Secret' - a psychological pearl of wisdom, handed down by the ancients and known heretofore only our founding fathers and Ben Franklin, that is available for $29.95 at the Oprah Bookstore. Similar secrets (also previously known only to Ben) are also available at workshops, seminars, lectures, and through $400 psychology journal subscriptions.

References- A psychological garnish, or list of indigestible citations found at the end of books or scholarly articles that prove that the author did his homework and therefore must have his cloddish ideas be taken more seriously than your unreferenced common sense.

SCR- Also known as the GSR, and is equivalent to the EKG yet different from the SCL and can be also be measured by the EEG and MRI. Also used to demonstrate the persuasive power of three letter acronyms.

See the Mezmer Dictionary for more

Saturday, May 03, 2008

The Eligible Bachelor Paradox and The Velociraptors of Doom

Among all animals, including homo sapiens, mating rituals require one of the sexes to strut their stuff to gain a mate. Fancy plumage, big horns, bellowing mating calls are just the ticket to attract the opposite sex, and of course pass on your genes. It works with people too, as the female of the species fluff themselves to hopefully marry a millionaire. Well, what worked in the 1950's doesn't hold water in this age of Aquarius. Which brings us to the eligible bachelor paradox, which I predict is leading us to a frightening evolutionary path.

Human bird of paradise: ca 1955

The eligible bachelor paradox simply holds that as attractive women hold out for the best catch, all the other men are being caught by women who may not be great lookers, but are decisive, and will harvest all the best mates before they reach maturity. So, as all these attractive picky females enter their thirties, they find that potential mates are as rare as Atlantic salmon, leaving them with the rubble of the masculine sex, namely Barney Rubble. My fear though is that if this trend continue, evolution will select women who aren't slinky, but sneaky, and will be fast, decisive, and know how to sink their claws into a potential mate. So, one hundred million years, from now, expect evolution to select a new form of female. I'm glad I won't be around!

Evolution's Next Top Model