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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Stupid Sex Self Help Books

The One Minute Lover by Donald Giovanni

The newest blockbuster by the author of 'The One Minute Manager', 'The One Minute Neurosurgeon', and the 'One Minute Egg', the One Minute Lover will show you how you can get into the really steamy parts of a relationship with a minimum of those boring conversations that tend to pervade modern courtship. You'll learn about such one minute praisings, cajolings, and other assorted one liners as 'You look beautiful', 'My place or yours', and 'I'll give you a call', that will give you the reputation with the ladies in no time. If you've been groping for words, these little phrases will have you physically groping with a new loved one each week. This book is a companion work to the equally terse 'The One Minute Relationship'.

With a few well placed lines, you too can be an irresistable guy!

How to Make Love to a Pillow By Jack Downy

It is available, soft, subtle, and gently yielding to the touch. And what's more, it's waiting for you on your bed! It's not a girl, it's eiderdown! Follow Jack as he shows you how a soft pillow and a very healthy imagination can set your love life free from a sad dependence on troublesome females. You'll learn about all sorts of new love making positions that your pillow can take, such as the supine, recline, incline, and Laz-y-boy positions. For those of you who have kinkier tastes, Jack will also show you how to make love to your mattress, your washing machine, and large casaba melons.

Soft and Yielding Love Object

The Wendy's Dilemma by Dr. Ronald McDonald

A sad feminine distress of modern times occurs when a lady is overcome by an uncontrollable longing for something hot and juicy, when she knows that to submit to that urge will compromise her longings for interpersonal affairs which are also hot and juicy. This dilemma is often resolved when a lady is forced to commit herself to either Weight-Watchers or the local health spa. Dr. McDonald shows that much of the feminine lust for burgers and other fast foods is due to the hidden subconscious connotations of such suggestive foods as the Big Mac, the Whaler, the Whopper, and the MacWeenie. All in all, this book is the latest triumph of the psychoanalytic tradition.

Meat Size can be very important, not to mention the Buns

Foolish Women, Foolish Statistics by Dr. G. Gallup

Presently, many single women are understandably upset and traumatized by the new statistics that tell them that if they are over 30 and unmarried, they probably won't get married, won't or can't have kids, and that half of the human race will be dead of new and strange social diseases by the end of the decade. Dr. Gallup shows that this strange new psychological malady is best cured by going to the heart of the matter, namely the ineptly prepared statistics that women are foolish enough to accept. Using the technique of linear regression of deviance, he shows you how you can set up your own statistical sample, and prove to your own satisfaction that all men are noble and desire only your company, that life begins at 30, and that for the half of humanity that is going to die soon, you wouldn't have wanted to date any of them anyway. Dr. Gallup is also known for his books 'The Crash of 1996', 'Peace in our Time: The Foreign Policy Triumphs of Bill Clinton', and 'The Coming Internet Boom'.

Love 'til You Throw Up by Dr. Leo Bulemia

By the author of 'Real Wimps Eat Quiche', the good doctor advises that a good dose of loving is what's necessary to make bad relationships good, and good relationships better. If a loved one ignores you, doesn't pick up the check, and doesn't return your phone calls, he just needs more loving! So love him all the more, love him until you turn into a worn doormat, in short, love him 'til you throw up. After you throw up, you'll feel a lot better, because by then you've probably realized what a dummy you've been to have put up with the jerk for so long.

The Joy of Lusting by J. Carter

Much has been written about loving another person, but chances are when we're sexually interested in someone, are we likely to fantasize about soft focus picnics in verdant meadows, skipping about arm in arm with our beloved while being accompanied by the string section of the New York Philharmonic? Heck no! We're more likely to be engaging in fantasies that would have done Attila the Hun proud. That's 'cause you're not in love, you're in lust! Whereas we tend to be extremely finicky about who we will fall in love with, lust is a lot more democratic, and everybody can be its object. The author defends this often neglected and derided emotion, and he guides you through the delightful vagaries of lustful experience. You'll learn about the subtle delights of unrequited lust, lusting in your heart, and lusting for the girl next door, your neighbor's wife, and even inanimate objects like department store mannequins. And what's best, you can do all this lusting in the comort of your own delusions!

Ain't daydreams Swell!

I'm Ok, You're a Total Idiot by Dr. D. Rickles

Sometimes, we all feel like we are composed of separate little persons, each struggling to gain control over our personalities. Sigmun Freud attempted to show that our behavior is governed by rational and irrational elements that often struggle unconsciously to gain influence over our behavior. Now, with this seminal work, Dr. Rickles demonstrates that our behavior is not governed by the unconscious struggle between rational and irrational forces, but rather between the rational and the idiotic. How often do we do something really dumb, like dating someone who we know is not good for us, and then with the inevitable break up, we say to ourselves, I must have been a total idiot to have gotten involved with him or her! This can be a frightful admission, since it shows that there is an idiotic little person within us all that is just waiting to throw a proverbial pie in the face of someone we love, or in the worst case, to set us up to have a pie in our own face.

The author shows that the human psyche is divided into three parts: the adult, the child, and the total idiot. By understanding these forces, we can learn to tie psychic tin cans to the idiotic in all of us, so as to be warned when that little monster begins to stir us into dumb behavior

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