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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Patton's Rude Solution to a Final Solution

It was 1944, and times were tough all over. These were hard times for the workers of the Himmler Machine Works factory. There was negative energy everywhere. Production was down for Tiger tank tops, the Panzerfunwagen SUV, and the V-2 vacuum cleaner engine. The Mr. and Messrs. Schmidts of the Greater Reich were simply not buying, and there was a real fear that these products would simply bomb out, or just get bombed. In spite of doubling the moldy crust allowance for their immigrant guest workers, and the placement of motivational slogans like ‘Work will make you free’ on the barbed wire fences and guard towers, worker productivity continued to fall, with ominous results for product quality.

 Own the road and a few small countries in your Panzerfunwagen SUV

Something had to be done to get the workers concentrated at their campus. Thus there was great anticipation when motivational consultants Marv Slugman and Micky Czikenfri arrived to get the workers into the flow again. As leaders of the Positivity School of psychology for the Jung at heart, Marv and Mickey went to work like busy beavers, and interviewed all the workers, who candidly revealed under the watchful eye of their guards that their malaise was due to not enough positivity in their work. They were simply not looking at the bright side of things, such as the evident promotional opportunities due to weekly worker turnover, the free room, board, and showers, and the fact that they were helping their company to achieve world market domination. Marv and Mickey helped the factory commandant set up better employee selection procedures to choose workers with high positive attitudes as they arrived at the train station, and then got the rest in the mood with positive affirmations, positive thinking, group whistling of Disney tunes, and delusional training sessions.        

 Positive Psychologists Slugman  and Patton           

Sadly, it was too late for the Himmler machine works, as foreign competitors made a hostile take over. As the American auditing firm of Patton, Eisenhower and Zhukov inspected the new properties, they summarily lined all the higher and lower management they could find, and had them summarily fired by a squad rounded up for that very purpose.

And as for Marv and Mickey, they remained positive about the experience, and applied their wisdom in the American workplace, which soon became the happiest and most productive in the world.

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