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Monday, July 04, 2011

Why the French are still irritating twits!

A Lesson from an Alternate History

In 1941, American learned its lesson. War is bad, let's give peace a chance. And so then president Wibur 'sponge-bob' Milquetoast apologized to the Japanese, and found that the Nazis were equally reasonable and nice. 

Thus we had peace in our time, or well, at least peace in our backyards. And so the Japanese civilized half the world's people by killing them. The Germans would have repeated the favor for the other half, except the Russians had a few slight objections, and rolled up through Germany and half of Europe, making the world a socialist paradise. They stopped  their tanks at the border of France. They didn't go further for an obvious reason. After all, they were French. 

And so the French stayed Nazi, and as we all know about Nazis, they are indeed a mischievous bunch. And so, as time went on French Nazis slaughtered and gassed their own people, invaded Italy and occupied its pasta fields, and seized Switzerland to get a hold of all that cheese. Naturally, the world responded, and drove the evil French Nazis from Switzerland and Italy, but decided not to rid themselves of the evil French Nazis by taking Paris. After all, they were French.

President Sponge Bob

French Nazi

Around this time, American found its balls after Catholic fundamentalists blew up half its really large buildings. President Jon 'the Duke' Wainwright dispatched the Born Again Christian Soldiers to root out the Catholic fundamentalists from their monestaries in the mountains of Sicily. Then he noticed that the evil Nazis continued their quest to build weapons that  would annihilate all life as we know it. This was not nice. And so the USA supported the separatist Vichy-soiss people in the south of France, and built up a force of three million troops in the principality of Monaco for an invasion. The world of course was dismayed. Why in heaven would you want to go to war with a regime that is despised by its people, threatens its neighbors, and builds weapons of mass destruction to sell on E-bay? It would be interpreted by the Catholics as an assault on their religion, and thus cause Catholic terrorism everywhere. The world knew as well that this wasn't a war to liberate France, but an effort to seize their cheese! Besides, these people were quite incapable of democracy. They were after all, French! 

President Duke

And so, America, in a very diplomatic way, said F*** you to the world, invaded anyways, and in five minutes the French were free. The French people greeted the Americans with  wild approval and applause. Sadly, after three days, the Americans began to be overcharged for their rooms and meals, and overall were treated very rudely. The Americans then left en masse, vowing to never vacation there again.

And then the world said with a shrug. "We told you so! After all, they're French!

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