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Saturday, December 30, 2006

A Modest Solution to some Modern Problems

In the 18th century (or every century, come to think of it), England had a problem with the Irish. The satirist Jonathan Swift, who lived in Dublin at the time, suggested in an ironic vein Marie Antoinette would later un-ironically mimic, 'let them eat kids!' Of course, serving up Irish orphans like suckling pigs was a satirical hint that English policy at the time was wrong headed, yet some English didn't get the joke, and applauded Swift's sardonic solution, to his horror.

Fast forward to the modern era, and we're still cooking up solutions to our problems that common sense wisdom would far better serve. In other words, the psychology that suits us common folks suits folks elsewhere even if their situations seem less than common. Consider these three common sense maxims. One, the more stuff you have and have to look forward to, the less likely you will be to blow yourself and other people up.Two, you can't do mischief if you are properly supervised. Three, if you are going to threaten to use force on your disobedient 5 to 55 year old, make sure that you back it up.

Now lets apply these three universal maxims to our favorite crisis du jour: the Middle East.

Arab-Israeli Conflict

Simply put, the Palestinians don't have stuff, while the Israelis do, and because the Palestinians are continually reminded of the stuff they used to have that the Israelis took, they are naturally somewhat riotous and explosive.

Solution: give the Palestinians some stuff. For a fraction of the zillion or so dollars we have spent in the middle east, we can build for them lots of luxury condos in the west bank and Gaza, and fill them with modern day goodies like i pods and plasma TV's. Then give full scholarships to Palestinian youth so they can spend their college days at the Sorbonne in Paris. With all this stuff, the Palestinians will learn how to waste time rather than laying waste all the time.


Simply put, the Sunnis open their eggs from the top, and Shiites open their eggs from the bottom. This is ample enough reason for them to hate each other. (for more on this read Gulliver's travelogues on similar diminutive cultures) Logically, there's is no simple resolution for this problem, since all enlightened people know that eggs are best scrambled. Presently, the only solution we have is to send in at least 300 million more troops to keep an eye on these egg sucking idiots. So why not proverbially speaking move Muhammad to the mountain, and remove the Iraqis to here where we can keep a better eye on them?

Solution: Give the Iraqi's visas, and let them come to the land of the brave and home of the free. Give them all the chicken plucking jobs that are going begging, and let them stick around if they don't blow anything up in ten years. Meanwhile, we can keep a sharp eye on them, and show them a better way to make an omelet.


Simply put, Iran is like the Animal House fraternity on campus, always trying to blow things up. Currently, Iran is on double secret probation, which means of course nothing to these clowns.

Solution: Land a stealth saucer in the middle of a baseball park in Tehran. And with George Bush and his robot side kick (actually Donald Rumsfeld in body armor), tell them that they have one week to get rid of their firecrackers of mass destruction, otherwise they will get a bid dose of, you guessed it, mass destruction.

That's it. Follow these simple suggestions, and we will have peace in our time.You can send my Nobel Peace Prize to my mailing address.

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