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Saturday, July 02, 2005


If you think modern life is much more complicated than in past generations, you're only partly right. Actually, it's modern vocabulary that's gotten more complicated, and all those new words have been happily arranged by our leading psychologists and other 'deep' thinkers into an infinite permutation of grand concepts, theories, and other all encompassing explanatory devices that aim to explain why we behave in the cantankerous ways we do. This new psychological liturgy can only be understood by the self elected priesthood of psychololgists, who like modern Humpty Dumpty's explain the way we are  because that is of course the way we are.

Got that?

Well, who says that we can't be like Humpty Dumpty, and redefine the world with nebulous truisms? Clear thinking requires the use of words which have clear and more nonsense from Dr. Mezmer
Patron Saint of Modern Psychology: A Good Egg, particularly when scrambling words, or just scrambled.
distinct meanings. However, when clear meaning is perverted with words which have a multitude of meanings of no clear meaning at all, we have 'psychobabble'. Psychobabble is something we can all find of very great value, since we can use it as a nifty replacement for thinking, and we all know that in this fast paced world, who has time to think? Through the selective use of psychobabble in social situations, we can definitely settle, or at least fog over many pressing personal problems. Psychobabble just sounds important and definitive, and as we all know from our own experience, if something sounds important and definitive enough, it must be true.

In the spirit of our times, I offer a psychobabblic interpretation of many of the very cryptic phrases we often utter to mark a particular psycho-sexual situation. Although this is the next best alternative to the truth, it is a wonderful compromise on the cheap!

Plain talk and its Psychobabblic Interpretation

Plain Talk: Boy! I would really love to hop your bones!

Psychobabble: I would enthusiastically elect to reach a penetrating connection with your entire being!

Plain Talk: How about a date?

Psychobabble: Would like to form a dyadic pairing to enforce expansive issues related to interpersonal growth and sex appeal?
Plain Talk: Not tonight, I have a headache!

Psychobabble: Your effort to force premature intimacy without consideration of my fragile ego state and low physical lability has resulted in this hysterical conversion reaction that will soon devolve into a punch in the nose if you don't lay off!
Plain Talk:  I love you!

Psychobabble: Because of a history of mutual reinforcement and the facilitation of neural norepinephrine linkages due to my prevalent psychobiological reactivity to your  bodily  curvature and select bulges, I would prefer to engage with you in a variety of intercourses, both social and otherwise.
Plain Talk: Hello! My name is Bob. What's yours?

Psychobabble: Hi! Would you like to participate in an exchange of self referential nomenclature leading to a progressively heightened plateau of mutual interpersonal discovery, dating, and salacious behavior?

Plain Talk: I think we should be dating other people.

Psychobabble: The progressive atrophy of my unconditioned positive regard for you has weakened irretrievably the positive valences which previously facilitated pair-bonding and conjugal arousal. Thus, I suggest that we escape our personal orbits by following a narrow vector into more satisfying erotic ventures.
Plain Talk: Will you marry me?

Psychobabble: Will you accede to the propitious formality bestowed by jurisprudence and symbiotically join with me in a legal and theological matrimonial bond?

Plain Talk: Before you go any further, you don't happen to have any social diseases, do you?

Psychobabble: Prior to an exchange of bodily fluids, I request that you declare the infectious agents, if any, that thave proven resistant to your immune system, and document the morphological breakdowns attendent with your adherence to a sybaritic life style and too much fooling around.

Plain Talk: I'm lonely.

Psychobabble: The deprivation of socio-cultural and tactile stimulation has resulted in an anomie verging on semi-involutional catatonia that would have been assuaged if there was anything better to do than watch soap-opera reruns. 

Plain Talk: What position do you prefer?

Psychobabble: Of all prospective and outlandish physical linkages, which one correlates most reliably with your own elevated phenomenological experiences that have lead to repeated climatic instances of physiological release and sustained jollies?

Plain Talk: I'm pregnant!

Psychobabble: My determined effor to tblock sustained meiosis through the use of specific chemical agents was thwarted  when the compound I consumed the night before was misconstrued to be other than Tylenol.

Plain Talk: You are such a lovely person!

Psychobabble: Your regular features and select bodily curvature has elicited perceive ocular fixation, ribald fantasies, and hydraulic pressures.

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