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Saturday, July 02, 2005

Foolish Glossary


BISEXUALITY The sexual affinity of a person for anybody. Bisexuality can be a very favorable trait because it doubles the number of your prospective dates.

BLIND DATE A date set up for you with an unknown person by a good friend. It is called a ‘blind’ date because this is usually an accurate description of your friend’s idea of your preferences regarding the opposite sex, which strangely favors ‘nice personalities’, a generic term for air breathing mammals.

DATE A prearranged meeting of a man and a woman at a usually quiet setting (e.g. restaurant) for the purpose of accomplishing preliminary bargaining leading ultimately to intimate physical contact, assignment of property rights, child rearing protocols, and most importantly, who is to take out the garbage, and when. Since these negotiations are usually very delicate, impasses frequently lead to break offs of negotiations prior to the establishment of a formal nuptial contract. Negotiations that occur after marriage are usually far more tense than pre-marital negotiations, and are ironically classified under the heading: marital bliss.

HETEROSEXUALITY The sexual affinity of a person to a member of the opposite sex. To the uneducated, heterosexuality has often been unfortunately confused with homosexuality and bisexuality. This has been particularly true for the Southern Baptists, who have mounted several campaigns to keep heterosexuals out of the nation’s public schools.

HOMOSEXUALITY the sexual affinity of individuals for member of the same sex. Homosexuality is a particularly difficult trait to possess, since it invariably leads to much arguing over who is to pick up the check on dinner dates.

LOVE To really, really like a person a whole lot. Not to be confused with lust, which means to really, really, like to be physically interlocked with another person in a hydraulic and pulsating way.

MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP A relationship in which your partner sticks around for more than one week.

PARTY Any gathering of human beings whose social intent is to entice, tease, humor, and otherwise entertain each other. For many couples, it is the wholesome prelude to post party festivities of a more intimate nature, where two people may entice, tease, humor and entertain each other in an utterly different way.

PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP An unsexual meaningful relationship.

SCORING A colloquial term used for those less gifted men who play sexual games and face an inner compulsion to score sexual points. A typical gamesman lives to make successful passes, moves own to the end zone, and then put one through the uprights. Lately though, many women have wised up to this conniving, and with better defenses of their zones, have thrown most gamesman for big losses, and no score at all.

SEX A biological drive which leads us to take curious delight in body curvature, skin texture, and hair color, and lead to the culmination of unaesthetic biological acts that are ironically very pleasurable.

SOCIAL DISEASE Illness caused by the sexual transmission of an infectious agent such as a virus (AIDS, Herpes) or bacillus (gonorrhea). Also refers to those essentially psychological problems (e.g. depression, alcoholism) in which individual responsibility is comfortably deferred. Finally, if Madison Avenue is to be believed, a social disease is any trait which ‘really’ makes you into a social leper, such as bad breath, body odor, dandruff, or wrinkles.

written by me (1984)

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