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Saturday, July 02, 2005

How to score by keeping score!

How to Score by Keeping Score
A Social Evaluation Survey
One well known masculine strategy to beat the point spread of life is, well, scoring. Women don’t quite understand this male preoccupation with scoring, and the equally perverse masculine tendency to keep playing games even when they are out of their league. Many men are shut out in the ball game of life, yet unfortunately fail to look for the source of all their strikeouts. What is needed for men is a handy way of keeping inventory of all those vital personal facts that make up their own individual ‘stat sheets’. You never know what type of woman you’ll be playing against next, thus its important to know how you’ll stack up when the game playing ensues. To this end, we offer a social evaluation inventory for those strong willed souls who wish to make it into the dating big time.
Please choose the characteristic that most fits you.
Former Greek God +10
Won Second Place in Richard
Gere lookalike contest +8
Cute and Cuddly +4
Pleasingly Plump +1
Only a mother could love -6
Mother doesn’t -8
Former Polish god -10
Former sports hero turned
rock star neurosurgeon +10
Career minded professional
(e.g. doctor, lawyer) +6
Absent minded professional
(e.g. physicist, mathematician) +4
Unemployed professional
(e.g. petroleum engineer) -1
Asst. hamburger flipper -8
Career criminal -10

Personally tutored by Bill Gates,
Jonas Salk, and the Dalai Lama +10
Ivy League Grad +7
Graduate from state university
(e.g. Penn State) +6
High School Graduate +1
School of Hard Knocks -3
Graduate from state reform school
(e.g. State Pen) -10

Gold plated Rolls Royce +10
1995 Jaguar +8
Late model foreign car +8
Late model American car +7
’75 Volkswagen -1
Pick up truck with Domino’s Pizza
sign on top. -5
Honda Scooter -7
Playskool Scooter -10
Composing symphonies,
refurbishing Tudor Castles,
and dancing with the Royal ballet +10
Opera, museums, fine wine, and
romantic poetry +7
Theater, movies, and stamp
Collecting +3
Bowling, female mud wrestling,
and tractor pulls -4
Sleeping, drinking beer, and
participating in the local chapter
of the Couch Potatoes. -10

If you scored between:
41-50 points
You’ve got so much going for you, you often have trouble keeping yourself from asking you out for a date. Since only seven women in the entire world are truly in your league, you invariably spend a lot of lonely hours munching popcorn and reading Grimm’s Fairy Tales.
20-40 points
You are a true yuppie, and you should have no problem scoring with yup-women, if of course you have the time to do so. After all, with your busy schedule, who has time for dating when there are careers to build and portfolios to manage?
0-20 points
Overall, you’re pretty average, which means that to get anywhere with women, you’ll have to behave yourself and teat them with kindness and consideration. So who says scoring would be easy?
-40- -1 points
Women love to take you home, where you’ll come in handy as a doorstop or paperweight. People may often confuse you with the family pet; however resembling the latter can be a great way of getting a lot of heavy petting from the ladies.

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