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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Man's Social Evolutionary Tree

In the beginning, man was brutish, nasty, quite stupid, and a poor conversationalist. Cro-magnum man, as we was known, soon found out that such appearance and demeanor did not bide well with the ladies. So, before he could evolve such things as manners and brains, he relied on the next best thing, and made it with the ladies by, well, making off with the ladies. This rather rude sort of behavior soon invoked much peer pressure, which soon turned into evolutionary pressure. Man thus evolved a larger brain that allowed him the means to entice (and often con) the ladies with pretty phrases and even prettier promises. As man discovered the seductive powers of language, he became cultured. Another offshoot developed which celebrates the more macho qualities of the homo sapiens. This sub-species, several of which have been excavated in Hawaii, have been dubbed cro-magnum P.I.

Although most biologists trace man’s lineage to ape-like primates, a less supported school of thought has seriously contested this notion, and presumes that man did not evolve from primates at all, but from a line of very ancient major appliances. This line of reasoning derives from the work of Ingemar Crawdadski, who in his excavation of the Jellystone rift in Wyoming discovered the partial remains of ancient appliances near fossilized campsites, barbecue pits, and volleyball poles. Since no human bones were found amid the remains. Crawdadski was forced to conclude that our common ancestors included Proctor-Silex toaster ovens and port-o-lets. Crawdadski was latter committed in 1987.

As man evolved, he reveled in his newfound wisdom, and lest the female of the species get a hold of that wisdom, and spoil all his newfound fun, he consigned her to a life of knitting, bread kneading, and baby making. This was the age of classical Greece, where in the words of the great philosopher Plato, "a woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke". So by being kept thoroughly ignorant, women learned their place. Unfortunately, although woman was now docile and submissive, she was also stupid, and nothing puts a greater damper on a night out on the town than a stupid date. The classical man of course had a cure for this, and developed several genetic offshoots that could adapt better to this barren social scene. These sub-species were called homo-intoxicus and hom-sexualis.

Homo-intoxicus and homo-sexualis have preserved the Greek way to this day, and continue to survive in various socio-economic niches. Homo-intoxicus can be found gathered in various ‘fraternity’ houses that border college campus’s, while the homo-sexualis’ favorite environment is select wateringholes in major cities. Both species congregate among themselves for mutual support and comfort, but for very different reasons that the reader may easily infer.

Classical man soon tired of his intellectual pretense and reverted back to the brutish good old days, when a man was a man and a woman wondered why. Woman took a dim view of these rude carryings on, since after all, these were the dark ages. As the fashions of civilizations changed, man rediscovered religion, and discovered social diseases. These discoveries spurred great feelings of guilt when he was among the ladies, so he remedied his bad feelings by simply removing the ladies. Out of sight out of mind was the motto, and Puritan man, as he was known then, could get about his business with the sure knowledge that the evil temptations stimulated by the female form could hardly arise if she were shrouded, cloistered, and otherwise put in domestic storage.

Over the centuries, Puritan man mellowed considerably, and the final variation of this sub-species endures almost to this day. This subspecies was the evolutionary by product of a frightful era when men want about in armored contraptions that seemed like motorized dinosaurs, and crashed into and pulverized each other for God and country. This was of course the ‘modern’ era, when man covered himself with mud, rubble, and glory. All that glory somehow made is seem worthwhile, and whether a man was a conquering hero, or if he was a German or Japanese, a conquered hero, you could be sure that the ladies in their general relief certainly weren’t going to give him a hassle when he came marching home. The post-war man, which we shall call G.I. Joe, took his wartime lessons to heart, and became a captain of industry who lorded over this family like a benevolent despot, and lived in a home which also doubled as his castle.

All was well with the world until G.I. Joe, benevolent and ingenious fellow that he was invented such wonderful little devices such as toaster ovens, washing machines, and frozen food. Women suddenly had a lot of free time, and through a seemingly innocent pursuit of education, they became increasingly restless, and began to present a lengthening series of demands to their erstwhile lord and master. Soon, peasant revolts spread throughout the land, and a high divorce rate caused many a castle to crumble to the ground. G.I. Joe refused to change his haughty and dominating posture, and surrender his throne to those female upstarts. Although he had hardly changed, he became known now as the Male Chavinist Pig, and soon many women avoided his company for less porcine and more sensitive mates. Now women, by virtue of their growing power and influence, took charge of the evolutionary tree, and selected men who were sensitive, considerate, had tiny little testicles, and who looked like either Alan Alda or Phil Donahue. However, the most intelligent women were too busy creating their own little castles to find time to mate, and pretty soon the world was filled with the offspring of sensitive men and stupid women. By the end of the 21st century, mankind has completely dies out, leaving behind a rich legacy of culture, and of course, major appliances. And so, the wheel of evolution came totally around, and the process began anew.

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