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Saturday, July 02, 2005

Social Groups of the 21st century

Social Groups of the Next Century

It used to be that if you wanted to join a social group, your choices were limited to the likes of the garden club, chess club, or the auxiliary of your local church. Now that its trendy to be your own person, unique and with a mind of your own (well, that’s at least what the beer and car commercials say), you have a much wide selection of social groups that you can join to refine and redefine your individual eccentricities. So, for the price of a membership fee, you can accentuate your dissimilarities with other people, and perhaps even find someone who shares your unique tastes. Since we all know that deep down our tastes run to the really out of the ordinary, we present a sampling of the social groups we’ll likely see in the next century.

DEBUTANTES FOR THE SYMPHONY Although they don’t quite know what a symphony is, being for the symphony at least sounds good. The debutantes will be meeting this Friday at 8pm right before the KISS concert. For shur! Call Bambi at 456-1254
DAUGHTERS OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE A super-elite organization, the DRE hosts weekly tea parties and gladiatorial games for members. To join, you must prove your direct lineage to the Emperor August, on his mother’s side. Call Agrippina at 453-2910
MUD WRESTLING FOR SINGLES How many times have we all longed for a little tumble in the mud, and yet have no special person to roll in the mire with? Well long no more! This group will arrange for you weekly mud wrestling partners at your level! Call Pig Pen at 342-1920
SINGLE SHIITES The newest religious group in town, Single Shiites offers a healthy alternative to the satanic brand of American socializing which dares to mix men and women in conversation. Single Shiites offers a Koran based, Allah believing alternative to these shenanigans. Meeting every Friday night at the St. Charles Ave. mosque, women are segregated to a back room where they can knit, while the men construct car bombs. Call Abdul at 345-5434
SAM’S MEAT MARKET Tired of all those ‘meet’ markets? Then try a real meat market. At Sam’s you’ll find a tempting assortment of TENDER-LOINS, SUCCULENT BREAST of chicken, and LUSCIOUS LEG of lamb. Take home something you can really sink your teeth into rather than buying allthose empty promises that you get at those other places. Just drop by Sam’s at 3452 S. Claiborne.
THE ‘NETWORKING’ NETWORKING CLUB Since networking has become all the rage now as the latest phony excuse to tempt singles to get together, through the miracle of teleconferencing, you can socialize with live projections of people who are not only emotionally distant from you, but are physically distant as well! Thus if you meet somebody who turns you off, with the flick of a switch you can turn them off! A great club for all you boob tube addicts out there. Call Ted Baxter at 342-8970
SINGLE NARCISSISTS Primarily consisting of doctors and lawyers, the single narcissists normally meet at men’s stores or fun houses, or any place where there’s lots and lots of mirrors, and proceed to reflect upon themselves. Call Jerome at 342-6544
USMC As the nation’s oldest contract health spa and military organization, the USMC will take you to Paris island, South Carolina for 9 weeks of the best workout you’ve ever had. You’ll tone your thighs, tighten your tummy, and repeatedly make your bed all under the loving eye of your drill instructor. Then you’ll be flown free to some delightful southeast Asian nation where you may proceed to ravish the local population. Call Gomer at 342-1233
GENERIC SINGLES Tired of unreliable name brand singles that cost too much and never work out anyway? Well, maybe Generic Singles is for you. For a modest $1.75 annual fee, you’ll get the chance to meet at the Salvation Army banquet room hundreds of suitably bland people who are all named either John or Mary and look like your Uncle Charlie or Aunt Agnes. Call John or Mary at 345-2341
THE HALITOSIS-ATHLETES FOOT-PANTY LINE SUPPORT GROUP If you feel left out of the social scene because you don’t have a disease, disability, or bad habit that you can use to start conversations with other people, why not try a group that tries to help its members cope with diseases that they learned about from TV commercial? Sympathizing with one another is a great way to socialize, and what’s great, the prognosis is excellent for a complete cure! Call Mrs. Olsen at 896-2209

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