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Saturday, July 02, 2005

Chaslov's Laws

Chaslov’s Laws

On a fair morning on the 18th of October, 1821, Count Anton Chaslov met a tragic and untimely end. It was a duel to the death between himself and Prince Georgi Borosh, heir to the office of tax assessor of all of Moscovy. Egged on by a repentant, and some say, unfulfilled wife, the prince challenged Anton to the fateful duel. As he lay dying the Count muttered the cryptic words, "I guess I should have called", and then expired.
Even though death claimed him at the tender age of 35, Chaslov has established a reputation as a Slavic Don Juan, and he became a role model for many a roving Hussar, and many other lustful men of quality. Yet Chaslov was to achieve immortality with his pen, not his deeds. With the further development of law and order in the 19th century, a gentleman couldn’t rely on periodic bouts of ravaging and ravishing to keep his impulses in line. He needed a new code of conduct that, it not permissive of him physically absconding with the fair sex, at least allowed him to make his conquests symbolically, with a minimum of fuss. Count Chaslov was well aware of the growing plight of his fellow noblemen, and in 1812, while serving with the armies of the Czar against Napoleon, he penned the work which made his legacy and lasting fame. He call his little book ‘War and Piece’. In his book, Chaslov traced his amorous exploits across the steppes of Russia, the plains of Poland, the highlands of Scotland, and the on-ramp of the Appian Way. The lessons of his adventures were transformed into a summary code of geometric laws that assured his book a revered place next to such matchless works of philosophy as Plato’s ‘Republic’, Kant’s ‘Critique of Pure Reason’, and Richard Simmon’s ‘Lets Get Metaphysical’.
Chaslov did not concern himself with questions regarding the meaning and purpose of life, he south a higher goal. He wanted to discover the laws of dating, and his compilation of rules, known today as Chaslov’s laws, have proven a godsend to those men who seek success in the dating game of life. Although Chaslovs laws were originally meant for a male audience, women have also much to learn from this systematic exercise in male gamesmanship and overall conniving. An awareness by both sexes of theses eternal constants can improve dating skills markedly, and heaven knows that is an improvement the social world sorely needs.

The Laws

  2. Early on in his career, Chaslov discovered that his probability of success with a lady is a sharply declining function of the number of dates that end with a hug or handshake, or which are broken or postponed. That is, if you part company on a second or their date with nothing to show but a tender hand clasp, you had soon be thinking or greener pastures. Mathematics was one of Chaslov’s many talents, and through artful calculation, he discovered that teach good night handshake reduces the likelihood for future romantic success by a factor equal to (xn), whereas x equals the original probability of success, and n the number of dates that ended with a hearty handshake. Thus an early estimate of say, a 70% change of romantic intimacy decreases to 49% with the first handshake, and fades to 34% with the next good night hug.
    The mark of an ambivalent woman is her tepid attempt to keep her admirers in tow. It is surprising that many men buy this weak acceptance, and hand around for months and even years with nothing to show save a lot of bland compliments that would normally impress only a thirteen year old. Men don’t enter dating relationships to make good pals, amiability just doesn’t warrant the time and expense. The reward of course is hope, that nagging probability that an asexual and considerate posture towards a woman is just the thing to win her over.
    IT ISN"T
    If good intentions won hearts, than Alan Alda would be nudging out Casnova as the quintessential ladies man. Fat chance. It’s the ‘scoundrels’ that win the girl, yet it is hardly villainy to refuse to suppress one’s sexuality in return to vacant hopes, or view courtship as a day in court, where presenting and appealing your case wins in time the favorable verdict. It is indeed a valid masculine option.
    In the final analysis, asexual courtship will fail because it signals to a woman that a man is willing to compromise his sexual desires to be near her. This is a big compromise indeed, and casts him in a submissive and powerless light. To give up one’s power is to concede the game, since submissiveness is just about the only thing that such a courtship conveys. It is an illusion to think that men and women don’t pretty much have a good idea as to how each other is like after a few dates. After a short time, there is nothing more to say, nothing more persuasive save repeating yourself again and again in a sterile dance of courtship. The best step therefore is for a man to serve judgement on a woman’s ambivalence for her, and beg out of this de-facto rejection as soon as possible.
  4. A woman’s heart is not won through negotiation, it is stormed and taken by force. The proper allusion is not the courtroom, but the battlefield. The battlefield is glorious, particularly when you are not there, and are simply dreaming about it. Now if you get the ladies thinking about all that glory, with you in the forefront of a thunderous cavalry charge, oblivious to danger and hungry for victory, then your social battle is half won.
    It was in this battle that Chaslov was undisputed master of the field. His chest bestrewn with ribbons and medals (a remnant of his Czarist boy scout days), Chaslov would strut about the salons and ballrooms of Moscow like a peacock. Of course, the show was meant to stimulate female fantasies of a courageous and chivalrous warrior, or at the very least of an accomplished Russian eagle scout. A curious irony was that as the ladies realized the Chaslov needed nothing, they began to fantasize that a Chaslov needed them. Of course, Chaslov feigned a momentary loneliness and insecurity after meeting a lady he had designs upon. After all, it was hard to be both savior of Russian and responsible for your laundry at the same time. If Chaslov had any weaknesses, it was his devotion to Mother Russia, and a convenient devotion it was. Thus, after tiring of his latest romantic conquest, Chaslov would tearfully tear himself away from his beloved to answer a non-existed summons from the Czar, leaving her with sad yet fond memories and two washer loads of his laundry.
    As Chaslov knew, nothing stirs the romantic imagination of women more than manly competence and virtue, or at least the appearance thereof. The key to accomplishing this aim was not so much in the possession of these attributes, but in their advertisement. You don’t have to wear the symbols of your accomplishments on your chest, however a confident bearing and demeanor is always necessary, it at least to suggest that you are accomplished.
    Nothing is more damaging to a man’s romantic success than the reality or even suggestion of weakness. Every man of course has weaknesses, yet in the initial stages of a relationship his behavior should never reveal or even suggest them. It is important to understand that masculine weakness should not be confused with masculine needs, as feminine affections are stirred by needs that are the natural by-product of a man’s strengths. Thus a woman would expect to provide relief to the loneliness, insecurity, or boredom that are often attendant to a man’s success, and a man would be foolish if he ardently tried to cover up these needs. She would not expect, and would likely avoid those male problems that she could not administer to, or which would render him incapable of fulfilling her needs. A woman would therefore shy away from a man who was effeminate, overly shy, unkempt, or without financial resources or job skills. The hard choices that perennially face males stem from the fact that women can be harsh judges of a man’s competence. Female fantasies demand success, and success can often be as illusive for the male as beauty can be for the female. A man’s desirable attributes are acquired while a woman’s are inherited; such is the double standard that still influences much of our behavior. Thus, while a woman enhances her looks through the application of makeup, a man just as often enhances his psychological makeup by presenting at least the appearance of strength. The application of that psychological makeup is the lesson of Chaslov.
Chaslov always thought that he had the making to be one of Russia’s greatest heroes. In his fantasies he certainly had the illusion of greatness. And his fantastic estimate of himself grew and grew as he wisely distanced himself from the severe test and probable deflation of character that was, politics, and commerce would have provided. He discovered that just strutting about with an invincible demeanor will convince nearly everyone that he had the world on a leash, when in fact he himself was the show poodle. This lesson was not lost on the ladies, who lived for those same silly romantic fantasies that Chaslov loved so well. Chaslov knew that reality never matches the splendor of fantasy, so why not give a lady the leisure to fantasize, preferably about you? He figured that if you give enough attention to a woman to keep her attraction to you fresh, she will build upon that attraction in your absence, and long for the imaginary creature that you quite conveniently resemble, at least physically. Following the premise that absences speak louder than words, Chaslov found that a woman should be given half the time she deserves, with the balance of time left to her so she could begin to build her mental monument which modeled her idealized memory of him.

In the initial stages of a relationship, it is often a bad idea to overstay your welcome, particularly when your welcome is a partial function of a lady’s anticipation of what your personality and attributes are really like. Since that anticipation rarely matches the reality, it is often advisable to give a lady only half the time she truly deserves. This will allow you to ensure that the time you give to her is quality time, and reflects you at your best. Moreover, it will put her on notice that you in effect can live without her, hence reducing the chance that she will become complacent in the relationship, and will give you anything less than her own quality time. Finally, through your selective avoidance of her company, she may think that your standards for a mate are much higher, and it will affirm her own sense of accomplishment and self worth if you gradually come around to a more complete commitment to her. It is all really like a psychological sleight of hand. By making your presence known and felt even when you are not there, you in effect make a favorable impression out of thin air.

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