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Thursday, December 23, 2004

On the planet Nintendo: A Star Trek Fantasy

It was a very special Star Trek.

Our fearless crew was exploring the planet Nintendo, a place where the inhabitants, long ago lost in a world of ever enhanced video games, succeeded in creating virtual worlds wherein just a wish made reality, but of a virtual sort of course. Naturally the Nintendoites evolved really big brains to house their virtual reality powers, but along the way they lost track of reality, and in turn lost track of really good subject matter to base their mind games.

So, while the star ship Enterprise away team was out on the planet surface scouting out new alien flora and fauna, the Nintendoites kidnapped Captain Pike (we're talking very early Star Trek here), put him in a glass cage, and proceeded to act out Pike's own personal adventures, which thankfully had themselves a Nintendo ring to them. Naturally, Captain Pike soon became wise to the Nintendoites, and rebelled against watching reruns of his dreams. And so the Nintendoites threw up their hands, and released the good Captain to his crew. During this time, Captain Pike found a really hot girl friend, captured sometime earlier by the aliens, and asked that she be released as well. She was quite oddly resistant to this great offer, and with a nod the Nintendoites revealed that they had performed a mental boob job on her, and her real appearance was revealed as rather unappetizing to say the least, something like a cross between a human and a turnip.

The Nintendoites confessed that when her spaceship crashlanded on their planet sometime earlier, they had no idea how to put her crumpled body back together again, so they gave it their best shot. Besides, she still had her great personality, even though her face looked like mashed potatoes. Naturally, the captain immediately excused himself, saying he had planets to explore and such, and he and his intrepid crew blasted off, and with obvious relief.

There is a happy ending to this story of course, as shortly thereafter Captain Pike fell into a galactic cheese shredder, and reassembled, looked like a giant crouton. But thanks to intervention by Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk, Captain Crouton was returned to Planet Nintendo to be reunited with Ms. Turnip to spend their remain salad days in idyllic fantasy, obliged of course by the eager and drooling aliens of Nintendo.

There's a moral somewhere in this story, so here it is. As we Americans sink further into our own Nintendo fantasy worlds, we forget how the world and other people are put together. The further away they are the more they resemble crosses between real people and assorted vegetables (well at least on Fox news). We have some experience with this, particularly with a strange human hybrid of man and cheese called the French, but lately its becoming worse, as Arabs, Chinese, Mexicans, and Canadians are falling into the human cusinart. And how will it eventually end? Perhaps eventually we will all evolve really big brains, like Nintendoites, or end up as human croutons. Or maybe it will all be like Star Trek where humans and aliens live happily together, but that I fear is the biggest fantasy of all.

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